I'm Sorry For Your Loss
by MonstersInside
Summary: Sara and Grissom are both unhappy, their long distance relationship has taken its toll on both of them, they do not make each other happy anymore and Sara can no longer see a future for them. Until she receives some devastating news. "'You sound like this is it, this is the end.' 'It is...'" No idea where this came from, just had to write it down. GSR. Enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

**I'm Sorry**

"There comes a point when you have to accept defeat. In that moment it doesn't matter how long you've been fighting or how hard it's been to get there. All that matters is that one moment, that one moment of realisation. I think I'm there. Even after all the years, I knew what it felt like when it was special...now I don't...I love him, I do, but even I can't have a relationship with an answering machine."

"Sara, the two of you...are meant for each other, there's no-one else for either of you."

"No...There's not. But right now, we're not there for each other. There is no relationship in something this distant, and it's not just physical miles anymore. Whatever there was, is broken...I can't remember what it used to be like...Truth be told, I don't want to...it would just make now even more painful knowing where we had come from to _this."_

"You're sure?"

"I wouldn't be saying this if I wasn't...They say that love is enough...whoever 'they' are, they've been sadly misinformed because I love him and I know he feels the same way...but this isn't a marriage, or at least not one I want to be in, neither of us are happy...we're just _existing._"

"You know that we'll support you whatever...Have you told him how you feel?"

"When could I have done that? We haven't spoken to each other in weeks." She replied bitterly, "He was supposed to be home a week ago...tells you everything."

"I'm sorry Sara."

"Yes...This marriage worked in a way I never thought it could. I had everything I wanted, we both did, and I keep asking myself how I started with everything and ended up with nothing, when it seems like I've barely lost anything...I suppose it goes to show how much we depended on each other...In some respects I can't picture my life without him, in another...I need to...we're holding each other down, and not in a good way, we're pinning each other, suffocating each other...and that's not what I want to do..."

"You sound like this is it, this is the end."

"It is..."

Sara drove home in silence, thinking. Her conversation in the locker room had helped her to cope, stopped her from imploding. The anger and frustration she had been feeling had boiled to the surface recently, it was true, she wasn't happy, she hadn't been for a long time, longer than she would admit.

Hank met her when she opened the door, padding in gently from the kitchen, the one constant in the turmoil that was her very impersonal, personal life.

"Just you and me again." She told him softly.

A part of her didn't want to tell him, wanted to keep things the way they were. Another part of her wanted to _make _things work, but she knew that if they did that resentment and bitterness would soon dominate their relationship...she would prefer to leave it with nothing than with that. And so she was left with only one option. It was over. This was the part of her that had been growing stronger recently, the part that was led by her head, and what she knew needed to happen as opposed to her heart and what she wanted to happen.

She had not been asleep long when a loud banging on her front door wakened her. Slightly afraid, she got up and hurried to it, Hank trotting protectively by her side, she found Brass looking exhausted and strangely emotional standing, soaking wet on her doorstep. The two words he next uttered scared her more than anything ever had and drained the warmth from her bones leaving her cold and empty.

"I'm sorry."

A/N Reviews are welcomed, don't be shy, say what you think, if you hate it I want to know, I live to learn and it will help me improve as a writer, never a bad thing; if you love it I definitely want to know . Either way, let me know.

Sara and Grissom are both unhappy, their long distance relationship has taken its toll on both of them, they do not make each other happy anymore and Sara can no longer see a future for them. Until she receives some devastating news. "'You sound like this is it, this is the end.' 'It is...'" No idea where this came from, just had to write it down. GSR. Big bundle of sadness.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2:**

"Brass...what?"

"There was a crash on The Strip, at least a half a dozen vehicles, Gil..."

She stopped listening, she could see the ground suddenly rising up to meet her but was not aware of falling to it, or of Brass suddenly stopping down to catch her...His words fell on deaf ears as she stared without seeing anything his words reverberating around in her head. _Crash...Gil..._

"Is he dead?" she asked suddenly, it was harsher than she intended, but it was all she could manage without being sick.

"I don't know..." Brass replied, it was worse than any other answer he could have given her, yes or no, she could process, she could deal with, maybe...

"What do you mean?"

"He's been taken to Desert Palms...I came to find you as soon as, they wanted to call, but I said I'd go in person..."

"Thank you Jim..." she said softly. She managed to get to her feet and lifted her car keys from the dish on the worktop and pulled her jacket off of the hook. Hank had padded over to her when she had first sank to the floor and was now looking questioningly at her. "It's ok boy, I'll be back soon." She told him absently.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa...What do you think you're doing?" Brass demanded.

"I'm going to the hospital." She said simply.

"If you think I'm letting you drive...I'll take you, I've called the others, they're stuck out in the field but they're going to hand off their cases, they'll meet us at the hospital."

"I don't...I'm fine, I can drive."

"We'll address your control issues later, you're not driving." He told her firmly, leading her out of the apartment and gently taking the keys from her numb fingers, "You're in shock Sara." He said quietly.

She agreed to let him drive her to the hospital. She spent the journey staring out of the window and watching the world go by, unable to remember what she had seen a second later once it had been replaced by a new landscape. She probably was in shock, for more reasons than that. She hadn't known he was coming to visit her...it was going to be a surprise, for their anniversary...she thought he would forget, she should have known better...

They arrived at the hospital and since Sara still looked slightly vague, brass introduced them ,

"We're here for Gil Grissom, this is his wife, Sara." He said,

"And you sir, are you family?"

"Yes, he's my brother in law." Sara replied instantly, without thinking as it was Brass' turn to freeze. The nurse didn't question it and led them to a deserted corridor upstairs, "He's in surgery now, this is where he'll be brought later, you can wait here, someone will be with you shortly." She told them.

"Yeah, right." Brass snorted, "Thanks for that, back there." He added.

"Don't mention it." She replied. "He wasn't supposed to be there..." she mumbled.

"What do you mean?" he asked,

"He was supposed to come out last week he got held up, told me he couldn't make it...I wasn't expecting him...he must have been planning to surprise me for our anniversary...I didn't know..."

"Sara, this isn't your fault." Brass said gently.

"It is...We argued the last time we spoke, that's why he didn't tell me he was coming, wanted to make it a surprise, otherwise I would have met him at the airport and then..."

"And then you'd both be in here." Brass snapped, "Don't do this Sara, I know you better than this, there's no way this is your fault."

"Sara, Jim." Came a shout, they both stood up and found themselves in a confused hug together with Nick and Greg.

They managed to untangle themselves and stood, staring, at a loss for what to say. Finally Brass told them everything he knew about what had happened at the end of which they were all silent until Greg suddenly said, "God, has anyone told Catherine?" They all shook their heads, "She'll kill us." Greg muttered, pulling out his phone, "Damn, I've got no signal, I'll go outside and see if I can call her, give me a minute." He said, hurrying off down the corridor.

"That reminds me...I'll call around, see if I can get any information on the accident." He told them, gently placing a hand on Sara's shoulder.

"Nick..." Sara began.

"Don't Sara...I know what you're thinking and don't."

"How can I not? How can I sit here after everything I've just said about him, about us...I'm no stranger to bitter irony, neither of us are but...if there is a God out there Nick, I hate the son-of-a-bitch."

A/N: Don't know if I like this chapter...I'm relying on you to tell me because I'm considering a re-write, anyway, I hope you enjoyed...I have _no_ idea where this is going so I'm open to suggestions :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3:**

Sara had taken to wandering the deserted corridors of the hospital alone. She had been unable to stand outside the empty room, staring at the painfully empty bed, watching as everyone jumped to their feet and trampled over whichever unfortunate doctor or nurse came round the corridor, demanding information that they did not have.

She had spent too much time in hospitals when she was a child. When there she had been unable to leave her room, kept in the bed by invisible chains, the result was that it was now almost impossible for her to be in a hospital and remain in one place for any length of time.

She staggered down one of the endless clinical corridors. She had been hearing voices chasing each other around her head since she had arrived. _Crash...Surgery...Gil..._Hospitals did strange things to her and she was exhausted which only made things worse.

The voices were getting louder and louder building to a crescendo in her mind. She braced herself against the cold wall breathing hard as she attempted to steady herself. She closed her eyes and felt herself sliding down the wall. She took several minutes to compose herself before getting up and heading back to the team.

As she walked down the corridor she saw yet another doctor, this time in blue scrubs, standing at the bottom of the corridor. This time the doctor did not brush them off and hurry away but stayed and began talking to them in an undertone. Sara hurried up to stand by Nick, who placed a hand on her shoulder and said,

"Doctor, please, just tell us, what's happening?"

She looked between each of them, eyes coming to rest on Sara who was pale, exhausted and shaking and looking as though she needed to be hospitalised herself, finally she said,

"I don't really know how to say this...we did everything we could..."

"No..." Greg breathed, the colour draining from his face.

"I'm very sorry for your loss."

Nothing. Silence. No-one spoke. No-one looked at anyone else. The doctor, unable to fill the gaping silence her words had left. No-one had expected this.

Gil Grissom had always seemed immortal.

"Sara?" Nick shocked, "Sara, talk to me, please."

She opened her mouth to answer but her brain was incapable of stringing words together to form coherent sentences. She couldn't speak. She couldn't think. She couldn't _breathe._

She felt someone's arms wrapping themselves around her, someone was saying...Something that she didn't understand, that she didn't care to understand.

Her body rejected the touch and she pushed herself away from the warm, suffocating embrace of her comforter. Tears she couldn't remember crying were blinding her as she stumbled back down the corridor, with no thought as to where she was going.

She could hear people shouting after her. She ignored them. He was gone...It shouldn't be this upsetting...He was gone all the time...He was going to be gone forever, when he finally got in touch with her she was going to tell him that she couldn't do it anymore, that she wanted out, she wanted him gone...Someone had taken care of that for her that was all, same end-point. Her brain was trying to rationalise things that couldn't be rationalised. After all the years on the job she should have realised that not everything happened for a reason. Sometimes good people died when they didn't deserve to, when there was no reason for them to be dead. Now she understood the parents of children who had died accidentally, they knew that it wasn't rational, that it was _possible _for them to be given an explanation for their loved one's death...they just needed one. Sara couldn't process a random chain of events conspiring to kill her husband.

He was dead.

She slid down the wall, not knowing or caring where she was. Her chest was becoming tighter and tighter as she choked through her tears. _I'm sorry...We did everything we could...I'm very sorry for your loss. _

This was her fault...It had to be, there was no-one else involved whose fault it could be. She had to be to blame. She had cuased his death, intentionally or not, she was responsible. The wedding ring on her finger was slowly sliding up her hand, her arm and around her chest, the hot gold band was constricting itself around her, making it impossible to breathe...

When her eyes snapped open again, her chest was heaving and she was drenched in sweat.

Her phone vibrated in her pocket, forcing her back to reality, it was Nick, _Doctor just spoke to us, he's still in surgery. They think it's going to be a few hours yet._

A/N: Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, or if it seemed cliched, I usually hate things like this but I do think that this was important to the story, it wasn't just some random thing I put in for the Hell of it, I hope I've managed to show Sara's frame of mind, I'm not really sure if this came out the way I planned so please, enjoy and go crazy with the reviews, love it or hate it, let me know :)


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